you are strength to me...

I feel weak, like I need to be carried.  I thought growing up would be easier than it is.  I can do grown-up things like get married and become a father and still not feel very mature.  I don't feel like the kind of "super dad" or "super husband" that I want to be.  I want to be the kind of man that makes his entire family feel safe just by his presence.  I want my family to know that their loved and protected.  I want to be superman.

all in all it's not so bad...

Work couldn't pass by any slower tonight. Really it couldn't, every hour has felt like three hours and I've only been here for three hours so it feels like nine hours. That was a really awkward sentence, but I'm leaving it.
The Setbacks played a show at South Park last night. It was really therapeutic. We played like a well-oiled machine and the only mishap we had was when I broke a string and went to switch guitars at the exact time that Bryan decided to stop playing to tune his guitar. It felt a lot better than our last show. I remember leaving our last show and not even wanting to hear compliments from the people that came because I was sure they were all lying since I felt so bad about how we played. Last night was different though, what people said or didn't say didn't matter. All that mattered was that we had a great time playing, and honestly I think every show should be that way! I wish I didn't have to hear from other people before I can make up my own mind about how the show went. I wish I could always feel like I did last night where I was confident enough to know it went alright.
I'm so tired right now. All the double shifts I've worked this week plus the show last night have really drained me. I just have to make it through tonight and work tomorrow and then I can relax tomorrow night. I think Mari and I might go see a movie. We haven't done that in awhile so it should be nice.

misty water-colored memories...

I was reminded last night of how lucky I truly am. When I arrived home from work last night Mari and our friend, Amber were up watching home videos from our senior year of high school. I'm always up for a trip down memory lane so I stayed up and watched some of the video with them. It was funny to me to watch those movies and see how I followed Mari around like a little puppy dog even though I was dating somebody else at the time that some of those events took place. I say I was reminded of how lucky I am because I realized that this same girl I chased and pursued is the same woman that I go to sleep next to every night and the same woman I wake up next to every morning! I guess I haven't thought about that for awhile. We get so caught up in the craziness of our days (school, work, taking care of Joel, band practice, etc.) that I tend to forget how good I really have it!

i'd rather be knocked down than be knocked out...

Do you ever feel like everything is an uphill battle? I feel like I'm having to fight in every area of my life just to get an inch further up the mountain. If you've ever read this at all then you know my passions are my family and my band. Everything with my family is great except that Mari and I see each other even less now that she's working too. The plus side is I've had more time with Joel this semester though, so that's a real blessing! I actually get to see him when he learns new things now, not just hear about them. Things with the band have been going well too except that we never practice which can take a toll on a band. The last time we really practiced aggressively was right before our last show which was in March. We had a band meeting a week ago and it was really good because it seems like we were all about to burst with the things we've kept from each other for awhile. We haven't kept things from each other on purpose we just never see each other. A band is like a marriage and a lot of times when you don't see each other you get angry, but you're really only angry because you miss each other.
I'm just waiting for school to be over. School seems like the biggest obstacle and heaviest weight dragging me down. School keeps me from seeing my family as much as I would like to and it keeps me from seeing my band as much as I would like to.
I hate to write such a downer of a post. There's just so much going through my head right now and it's not all as positive as I would like it to be. Bear with me now...

days gone by...

I'm trying out this new widget thingy on my computer.  Apparently I can type this and then post it whenever I sign online later...so I can take more time with my posts or something.  Technology!

falling in love, it's a revelation...

It's another beautifully dreary day and again I find myself at work. Surrounded by the aroma of coffee and some other aroma which I'm not really sure what it is, but I know I don't like it. In fact I've been trying to track it to its source with my nose but I can't quite pin it down. It's been bothering me.
Anyway this week has been slower than most. I say that in a good way. I've really been in need of some time to slow down. Everything was so crazy for awhile and it's great to finally stop and breathe...especially now that spring is in the air. I love spring...it's nature's great do-over. If nature can have a do-over can't I? Why do we waste our time with New Year's resolutions? Everything is so dreary that time of year there's no way you're going to stick by your word, but spring resolutions, that's a great idea. If we made our resolutions in the spring we would be more apt to keep them, at least I would.
I'm falling in love again...in love with Marisol, in love with Joel, in love with life itself. I've never been out love with any of those things I'm just being drawn into a deeper appreciation of what it all means. I'm in love...

it was a good thing the donkey talked...

"So it was a good thing the donkey talked?"
"Yes, it was a good thing."

That was the conversation I had with a woman at Signs of Life this morning. She was asking me about the name of our coffee club, the Talking Donkey Club. I shared with her the story of the prophet Balaam (Numbers 22:21-41) and how his donkey had to warn him about the angel of the Lord blocking his path. It got me thinking that it's a good thing to open our mouths. It's good to help other people see what sometimes they can't see. I know that I've benefited from conversations with people or books I've read in which I've been told something that on my own I wasn't able to see. Sometimes we get so caught up in our daily routine that we miss what's right in front of us. We miss the budding of trees signaling the hope of spring just around the corner...we miss the smiles on the faces of others that are meant to show us that the world isn't out to get us...we miss out on life.
Mari and I have been talking about life lately and it convinces me more and more that my faith is absolutely necessary. My choice is between faith in a loving God who in turn teaches me to love others or in an empty nothingness...a life that lacks meaning or purpose...if I don't have faith then what am I living for? Why do I bother working or going to school or anything? Thinking about a life without faith scares me. I don't know if fear is a good starting place for faith, but I prefer the hope of faith to the fear of a life without faith.